ROC – Disciplining young children in a Christian way

Meeting Outline

17 October 2019

Below there are some thoughts based on the booklet “Children in the Church today. An Orthodox perspective” by Sister Magdalen.

St John Chrysostom says of Christian parenthood that “the example is everything”. For example, the words and the way the parents speak will influence how the children will speak to others.

The parents’ aim is to teach obedience from a very young age, from the beginning of the child’s life. Obedience develops with maturity. At first it will be “do what you are told”, then as the child grows it will be “prefer the will of another out of love”. If the parents do not show respect for each other’s will, the child will not learn obedience.

In addition to the example of the parents, it is important that children actively participate in the family’s life from a young age so they feel useful, but they also learn to do things by themselves and offer their help to others. Get children to help with tasks, and give them tasks not too easy to accomplish. Children should be challenged (to an age appropriate level), they should learn success, but also failure. Learning to deal with success in a healthy, down to earth way, and with failure positively is one of the greatest lessons for young children, and something that will have a positive influence on them for the rest of their lives.

One of the features of Christian life in the world is to be generous and hospitable, and to be kind to those in need. Parents should endeavour to teach this to children by example. By the way they themselves are generous, hospitable and kind to others, by the way they offer to help those around them, always with love, self-sacrifice and respect. One of the greatest ways to show our love towards our children is to secretly transmit to them the love of Christ through our own life.

Parental love however, also involves disciplining. St John Chrysostom places punishment of children in the context of parental love. “Be angry, and sin not” (Eph 4:26). Anger after gentle reproach has failed is necessary when motivated not by the desire to dominate over the child, but by the love to teach them to be Christians, to teach them the right from wrong. Anger is not a vent for our passions, but a pedagogical tool. St John Chrysostom says “As soon as you see the fear [of your reproach] working on the child, hold back, for our nature needs relaxation”. Discipline should always be reasonable and just. Our love for our children should be for them an image of God’s love for mankind. After we have punished, we should show readiness to forgive. And let us remember that we should never punish or threaten children using Christ’s name.

When we teach discipline and obedience to a child, we should allow for the child’s personal development and character. Our pedagogical aim is not to crush the child’s will, or to break it in, so that we subordinate its personality to our own. Our ultimate goal is to develop unselfishness and consideration for others.

It is not wise to always forbid. There must always be give and take, not only from the child, but also from the parents. Especially as children develop, our reasons for prohibiting should be understandable to them. In this day and age with the development of technology, children mature fast and become very smart from a very young age. They often seek to have an understanding of “why I am not allowed to do this”. Talk to your children the same way you would talk to an adult, and also listen to them. And when things get tough and you are about to burst out in anger, remember, your child is made in the Image of God, your child is God’s child.

Last but not least, the love and understanding, and even the peaceful compromise between the parents do not go unnoticed by the children. It is important for children to feel and see that their parents are unanimous and their relationship is peaceful. They will then naturally imitate the example they see in the relationship between their parents. That will form the basis for the relationships they will create with other people as they grow.